10/9/25 10:36am

a poem

my own desperation kicked me out of eden

i am not as patient as i thought i was

i like going fast

i like trying every door

i like the way you hold my face when we kiss

fear is an entity, i can’t clutch it in one hand

and try to hide from it at the same time.

i can’t look away

we can’t think our way to god

you’re a runaway

and i thought i was one too

the day you asked for updated pictures,

the blister dried, flaked right off my skin.

less like eve

boundaries and blurring

work themselves out

i owe it to myself

to keep trying every door

the way snakes do

a lack of imagination got us here

now i have to dream myself free again

don’t look in there

the night you shut your closet door

empty beer cans on nightstands

i knew what i what i was getting myself into,

i walked into you willingly.

i only wanted a little fun

to go fast

to pretend i could have everything

without having to change

i’m not like you though

i’m not chewing on my own tail

i’m not drinking myself to sleep

i’m only afraid

of staying the same

of getting to eden, and then hating it once i’m there

to sever you completely

to drive you home at 2am

no, it’s not fair

to crumble and relapse into arms

that would never be strong enough to hold me

dear god, please forgive me for being lonely.

dear god, please forgive me for wanting revenge.

i lit two candles, said two prayers

the heart is both red and green

pendulums swing

it all looks the same

it had been months since i bought myself flowers

like the lilies wilting on my kitchen counter,

the ones i sent goose for her birthday.

it all feels so different

is this a one last time thing?

is this all-consuming enough?

dear god, please forgive me for being bored.